How Loss-Induced Depression Almost Consumed Me|#Gift’sBants

Loss-induced depression, you have probably never heard of it before but trust me when I say it is as real as it sounds.

I can say late 2018 was a time of losses. It all began with loosing two of my side hustles to loosing my relationship and the most brutal of all, loosing two friends within a short time.

Prior to this I’ve always felt like I was a long walk from depression and so I thought I was one of those people who couldn’t ever become “depressed”. No disrespect but I felt I was too much of a happy kid to fall down that path.

But you see this thing called life, sometimes it gives you lemons that differ any “lemons to lemonade” story and I learnt the hard way.

But First, What Is Loss Induced Depression?

According to Google search results, loss-induced depression can be as a result of prolong grief/bereavement. Beyondblue.org.au opines that there’s a clear difference between grief and depression and each shouldn’t be mistaken for the other as they both have similarities. People suffering from Grief might suffer from weight loss, sadness, poor appetite and insomnia. The aforementioned can also be signs of depression in addition to constant feelings of emptiness and lack of joy or pleasure.

For me, at first losing my friends made me grief. I was sad and I couldn’t sleep well. You might say that’s perfectly normal after one losses friends and I agree.

But along the line I became filled with this vague feeling. I began to understand the true meaning of ” futility of life” believing that life and living were truly pointless and meaningless. With this line of thought came rhetorics like ” what is this life?” Why do we struggle for a better life when we don’t know if we will live to reap the fruit of our labour?

I know you might be wondering and asking “Gift why were you thinking this way” I believe it will all make sense as you read on.

I knew my mind was messed up but I refused to pay attention to that and continued living like all was fine. Then Came January 2019 when I lost another friend. This one deferred all logic.

His name was Goodnews, he was one of the first friends I made in University. We continued as friends through out our University days and graduated at the same time. Goodnews made a first class, this might not be a big deal to you but in a school like my Alma matter where lecturers declare ” A is for God, B is for me, the other grades (C-F) are for you students” You will understand how big a deal it was that Goodnews graduated with a first class.

Fast forward to late 2018, he was diagnosed with Cancer and before funds could be raised for proper treatments, he died.

I tried to cry but the tears just wouldn’t come. I kept asking God, why he let Goodnews toil for 4 years in University, come out with a fantastic result and yet never got a chance to use it.

Like I said, this deferred logic and further etched my belief that this life was utterly meaningless. And the worst part, I still couldn’t cry, my heart broke, my voice sounded choked yet the tears refused to fall.

Being Suicidal

I became convinced that death wasn’t far away/could come at any time and found myself constantly humming to the hymn. “This world is not my home” and thinking of different ways people die ( accidents, sickness etc.) What further worsened it was at that time I was battling ill health.

My First & Only Suicide Thought

I still remember that morning vividly, I was in a Taxify on my way from Lagos island to the mainland. Somewhere around Onikan/Obalende, we passed by a bridge and there was a bit of traffic. I looked out through the window at the water, saw how calm and peaceful it look and immediately thought about what it would feel like to go in, let the water carry me so I could feel that peace and calm.

At first I didn’t read meaning into that thought but as the driver drove off the bridge, it dawned on me that it was a Suicidal thought and that realization broke me. I started sobbing, you know those heart wrenching kind of sobs. Yes those messy-tears-falling-freely kind. Amidst assuring the driver I was fine and being scared that I could think of hurting myself, I finally accepted that I needed help.

Getting Help

Getting help was quite easy once I accepted that I needed it and when I thought of who to call or reach out to, there were only two names that came to mind. My best friend Nneoma and My blogger friend Deb of Debwritesblog. I eventually reached out to Debs because I knew I could get better help from her. I know her to be a volunteer at MANI (Mentally Aware Nigeria Initiative) and so believed she could get me help and she did.

She didn’t badger me with too many questions rather in a matter of minutes, she linked me up with a clinical psychologist and by the time I got to my destination and got out of the car, we had started talking.

During the course of the next couple of days, Dr Ayo and I discussed everything. From loss to childhood trauma to relationship to work and more. During those conversations I found out I was letting a lot of things affect me including the pressure from my new job.

And then I began to consciously stop myself from letting my thoughts go south.

I began to care about what goes on in my head and began to guard my mental health jealously.

I also came to terms with Goodnew’s death, accepted that sometimes there are no explanation for certain things and realized that we can question God all year long but His ways are not our ways. So sometimes it’s difficult to understand why.

Lastly, I started to work on my relationship with Christ again because I know it’s only in Him I can find that inner peace and calm I needed.

For Those Struggling With  Loss-Induced Depression

The one and only advice I have for you is to TALK, NOT JUST TO ANYONE BUT TO THE RIGHT PERSON. I could have spoken to my best friend and gotten temporary respite but not the real help I needed. So please talk to the right person. The people at MANI are awesome, they’ve chapters in different cities and contact numbers.

My sincere gratitude goes to Deb for being such an amazing person and also to Dr. Ayo for helping me.

Sharing This Is A Big Deal But I’m Glad I Did.

It has taken me weeks to finish writing this post mainly because of how personal it is but I decided to finish it because who knows, someone might just need to read this. And my resolve to share was further strengthened after listening to the hosts of one of my all time favorite podcast (Jesus and Jollof) talk about how there’s no shame in seeking help or undergoing therapy.

I’m just here praying as I hit the publish button that none of my family members read this because I am not ready for them to call family meeting on top of my head. If you are Nigerian, you will understand.

Lastly, there’s no immunization against depression! There’s absolutely no crime in feeling that way but it becomes a crime when you allow yourself wallow in that darkness instead of seeking help – Gift Collins 2019.

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I just shared something really deep and personal with you all. How about you do same and share something you have been struggling with lately. It might be finances, studies, love…. Whatever it is, just share and I promise to reply every single comment. Let’s go!